Mantra for today

July 27, 2016 § Leave a comment

It’s not about me. It’s about them.
It’s not about me it’s about them.
It’s not about me it’s about them.
It’s not about me it’s about them.
Itsnotaboutmeitsaboutthem.
.
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An out of order list of shit getting me the fuck down.

June 27, 2016 § Leave a comment

Her hair and her blood

hair and the blood

Been trying to keep a level head, keep a smile, keep laughing, not let life get us down. Trying to keep the kids alright about life being so tough these days. But I need a moment to feel sorry for myself. This is that moment. Not even gonna revise and rewrite.
Now for that list:
-We’re so fucking broke, we’re eating potatoes and ramen noodles for dinner tonight, and this is something we’re accustomed to now, and everyone wants money. And I’m craving burritos.
-Our pipes are backed up so we can’t flush, or run the sinks, or the washer, so I’ve been hand washing clothes in the bathtub and doing dishes in a container for weeks. Can’t afford a plumber, of course, so we’ve snaked everything and tried all these random experiments and nothing has worked.  Where are we pooping? In a bucket we made a lid for. Shredded paper bags for decomposition, and baking soda for the smell. It’s actually working well and we’re not at all diva so we can own that shit.
-Dog has fleas and no money to treat it with fancy flea stuff. Bathing him in cedar and tea tree and picking off the bugs. Was leaving patches of blood on the carpet and scratching constantly so he’s fucking quarantined to the kitchen where there isn’t any carpet. Which helps him to rest  and heal, but all of us hate him having to stay out of the rest of the house. Plus he seems depressed as fuck. His bed is super fucking heavy when soaked and needs to be washed pretty much everyday.  In the bathtub of course. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.
-Our brakes need work so we’re stuck and it’s getting in the way and now my dad is offering to help with money to fix the brakes but he’s also pretty broke right now because he’s taking care of my two nephews because my sister is a fucking joke. My dad wants us to visit more. He lives an hour away.  He’s on me about getting the brakes fixed. He’s broke but not like us. We’ve always been broke. He can’t understand why we haven’t fixed them. When he says he doesn’t have the money for something, it isn’t literal. “I had to get a new bed which I didn’t have the money for.” like that. You had the money or you wouldn’t have the bed. When I say I’m broke, I mean I have no money at all, and there is no getting anything.  And I’m not taking money from him because though he means well, it will come back to bite us.  Getting around isn’t first priority right now.
-A few months ago our insurance company demanded we get the kids checked out. We home school so we can’t take any chances, so we took them to the doctor and the doctor wants to pump them full of who knows what, and if we refuse to consent they’ll call cps. So now we have no choice in allowing them pump their bodies full of who knows what.
-husband is seriously losing his shit. Crazy anxiety and panic attacks now effecting his work. Working less so less and less money coming in. I can’t even get a night job because he’s terrified Someone is going to die when we’re not all together. I also can’t get a night job because we have no brakes and no money to fix brakes. I could take a bus, but he’d be calling me to come home because he’s having an attack.  His doctor didn’t seem to think it was something to worry about. Said to take a fucking Tylenol when he felt it coming on. ??? It’s just too much stress for him. I know it is. So I’ve taken over the budget to lessen the load (I should have done that long ago) and realized our financial situation is way more fucked than I anticipated.  He’s talking with another guy about starting a bicycle shop so that may be something.
-Oh, and we have lice. We all have grocery bags wrapped around our heads and I swear they’re never coming off! My sister in law…let me first say the last time we had lice was four years ago when my oldest was still in public school. Her cousin would spend a lot of time at our house, until we realized it was her giving us lice. Her mother would fucking lie about she not having it, then send her to our house, over and over again. We got to the point to checking her head ourselves and then eventually just not allowing her to come over. Only then did we stop getting lice. Her cousin had not been over for years because of this. My kids were missing her terribly and recently I had a change of heart, I mean, surely the lice had been taken care of by now. Her mother of course said she didn’t have it. Of course she said that, and I should have checked her hair but she has been so shamed by people over the lice, I just couldn’t do that to her. I decided to just trust her mother. MISTAKE! She came to stay with us, and ended up staying a week or two. Then she went back home. Now we have lice. Her mother is either a total monster who just doesn’t give a shit, or a total fucking idiot who doesn’t realize you should keep your kid home when they fucking have lice!
That said, we love each other tremendously. We are blessed in more ways than I can describe. It’s not all bad, and the more we struggle, the stronger we are because of it. We always manage. We always stay afloat. We are survivors, and will always be survivors.

Never would I allow them to dig out my teeth, but my life was on the line.

June 3, 2016 § Leave a comment

Makes me think about how much pain I was willing to go through before the pain was so tough I had to finally do something about it. It’s like this with all of my teeth. All of my ailments. Why is so much pain required? This is nothing new for me. I have an umbilical hernia which popped when I had my second child. I was told to get it fixed a few weeks after birth. It would have demanded I allow them to put me out and cut me open. That was years ago. Sometimes the hernia bothers me, but I’ve learned methods of coping. I know one day I’ll feel too much pain (frightening pain) over it, and only when it becomes nearly life threatening, only then will I do something about it. I wish I could change this about myself.

janpudd7.jpg

breathe. begin again

May 17, 2016 § Leave a comment

repeat.

Everyday for the rest of my life here.

June 28, 2015 § Leave a comment

I am a sinking mother.

Violently scraping upward toward the surface and the light, but still sinking.

Losing.

It is war, to be a mother.

Let go.

Do not let go.

Just let go.

Never let go.

Repeat.

Three States

January 11, 2015 § Leave a comment

Puddinghead 2015 Mixed media

Puddinghead 2015
Mixed media

listen to this-02-August

August 24, 2014 § Leave a comment

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